Thursday, September 22, 2011

Exciting new book release!

By Melissa Sarno, Hufflepuff

Honeywater Press announces the release of WHO AM I by award-winning author Gilderoy Lockhart.

The 1,045 page book hits shelves on September 23rd and features the psychological musings of the man who accidentally erased his own memory. One of the few permanent residents of St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, Lockhart uses the book to reflect on who he is, who he was, and, even, who he might become.

“We took a risk,” says Ebenezer Coolidge, a representative from Honeywater. “We want readers to open this book and find a new Lockhart. A little less refined. A little more undone.”

But early reviews of the book have not been kind.

Popular book blogger Winnifried Littlewock calls it “a nonsensical, babbling mess,” and goes on to say, “I’m not even sure [Lockhart] knows what the question is. Never mind the answer.”

According to a small group of existentialists at the Magical Who Institute, however, that kind of ambiguity is what makes the work so appealing. “We are all walking around asking the same question of ourselves. The fact that Lockhart never quite gets to an answer is refreshing.”

And many others are rallying for Lockhart, pleased that Honeywater Press took the author under its wing when none of the other big houses were willing. “I’m not going to read it or anything,” says one fan. “But I like that it’s out there.”

“We’re not expecting a huge crowd tomorrow,” says the owner of Flourish and Blotts Bookseller, where, years earlier, people were lined up around the block to get to a Lockhart signing. “But, hey, we’ll serve some Nettle Wine. Maybe that will lead to some sales.”

Melissa Sarno is Thestral Gazette’s celebrity reporter and co-president of the Herbology Club. When she’s not up to her ankles in mooncalf dung, you can find her accompanying the Frog Choir on harpsichord or writing Witch Lit in the Hogwarts Library. She blogs at

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Advice for Wizards and Witches

by Abby Gabby, Ravenclaw

Dear Abby Gabby,
I’ve accidentally scheduled two dates with two boys for the same night! What do I do?
~Split in two from Slytherin

Dear Split,
Well, it’s no surprise to me a sneaky Slytherin would do something like that. Get yourself a time-turner so you can be in two places at once! There may be one available in the school, but you’ll have to find the bearer, which shouldn’t be too hard. Just check all the advanced classes and if you see the same student twice— that’ll be your girl.


Dear Abby Gabby,
Is there a way to guarantee I won’t eat a bogey flavored Bertie Bott’s bean?
~Snot-shy from Ravenclaw

Dear Snots,
Yes. Just offer Ron Weasley a few— he’s notorious for getting bogey flavored beans every time. Then you should be fine to eat the rest without getting a bogey one. Just watch out for the vomit flavored bean—usually orange-speckled pink. That one’s a doozie.


Dear Abby Gabby,
I really want the guy I like to win a spot on the Quidditch team, but my Gryffindor conscience is not letting me do anything sneaky. What do I do?
~Honorable from Gryffindor

Dear Goody Goody,
Unwad your panties and perform a Confundus charm on the competition. Live a little—you never know how fun it is until you try. Besides, you can use it as an excuse to practice your charms. You never know when you might need this spell in a real battle.


Dear Abby Gabby,
There is this girl I really like in my Potions class. But I’m too shy to approach her! What do I do?
~Nervous from Hufflepuff

Dear Nerves,
Brew yourself some Felix Felicis potion to give you the confidence to ask her out! It will need to stew for six months, however, so during that time practice your smile!

Word of warning: it may make you overconfident, so I’d get advice from some who has had experience with it like Harry Potter or Ron Weasley. (There is a rumor going around that Ron was tricked and did not actually consume the potion the day of his best-ever Quidditch match, so take his advice with a grain of salt.)

Thestral Gazette advice columnist Abby Gabby, a member of the Ravenclaw house, prefers to keep her true identity a secret (for the sake of her trusted advisees, of course). She loves divination, lending a shoulder to cry on, and quite possibly has the slightest crush on Professor Firenze. She blogs as her alter ego, Abby Minard at Above Water.